


I miss you (I'm sorry)

by orphan_account



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Depression, Dissociation, Grief/Mourning, Hes okay tho, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Okay Ending, Okumura Eiji Needs a Hug, Post-Side Story: Garden of Light, how do i tag?????, im not okay, please read the tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-12 23:20:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28768473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Grief is weird. There are bad and good days. It's been ten years since Ash died, he's okay. He'll be okay.Hopefully.
Relationships: Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Kudos: 5





	I miss you (I'm sorry)

**Author's Note:**

> tw for depression and mentions dissociation 
> 
> also I'm sorry I've written like four things for this fandom and they're all just eijis grief

Today was another bad day. Bad days used to be common for Eiji. After Ash’s death, he fell into a depression and most days didn’t have the energy to get out of bed. He was spirling. And now, about ten years after his death, Eiji was starting to get better. He was a well-known photographer known for his gloomy and almost nostalgic photographs but he was better. He got out more, he laughed and was happy. After Ash’s death, it sounded impossible to imagine himself happy but it happened. Not every day was good, while good days were a lot more common the bad day’s still crept up on him and smothered him. 

This was one of those days. He woke up and already felt tired, the past few days had been okay for him and he could feel himself start to spiral again but today he just felt tired, he was mentally and physically drained. It made sense, after all, the anniversary of Ash’s death was creeping up on him faster than he wanted it to. He lay in bed and felt completely out of it, he was getting better but he still had bad days. He still had days where he couldn’t leave bed, this was one of those days. Usually, when he felt like this he would distract himself, he’d go on walks or talk to friends but not today. Today, he had no energy, he wanted to sleep the feeling of sadness away. He always struggled with depression, before going to America he had slipped into a depression after his father was admitted into the hospital. He had been told he would never be able to pole vault again and from there everything went downhill. Going to American was supposed to help his depression, it was supposed to make him feel better and get out of the suffocating atmosphere in Japan.

It didn’t help. He suffered intense trauma that he will never get over and even after all the therapy and trying to ger over his trauma, he couldn’t. The trauma wasn’t the worst thing to Eiji, The worst part was losing Ash. Ash was his soulmate, even after his death, he could still feel Ash all around him. He missed Ash so much it hurt. 

Eiji sat up in bed and looked around his room, back in Japan his room was filled with things that made it feel like home but here in America, his room was almost empty. He would have hung photographs up but even looking at his camera reminded him of Ash. Something was telling him to go back to sleep, to deal with what he was feeling later, he was just so exhausted. No one would ever understand how he felt, the emptiness he felt in his heart, how he felt as though a part of him died with Ash. Eiji was happy, but not every day, and that’s okay. It’s okay to have bad days and Eiji knew that. He used to feel guilty about how much he mourned over Ash, he felt as though he didn’t have the right to fall apart. He now understood that he did, he learned to accept Ash’s death and to not let it affect him any more than it did. 

Even after just waking up, he still felt tired. He laid back down in bed and felt that feeling of loneliness again, his bed was too big for just one person. He wanted Ash, it wasn’t fair. After everything Ash went through, he deserved to live. They deserved a happy ending. But life isn’t fair, Eiji found that out the hard way. No matter how much he cried for Ash to come back, he knew that Ash wasn’t coming back. Time seemed to move slow, it felt as though he has been lying there for years but a quick glance at his clock would tell him it has only been a few minutes, if even. He would cry, he wanted to cry, but he didn’t have the energy. He instead turned onto his side and sunk deeper into the inevitable emptiness that raged on in his heart. He fell asleep feeling empty inside, deprived of any emotion that made him human. He fell asleep wishing that next to him in bed lay Ash, his wish would never come true. He wanted Ash back, He wanted the feeling he got around Ash again. He wanted someone to protect, he wanted his lover. 

He had spent the day sleeping and when he couldn’t sleep he’d just lay there and let the sadness from his heart take over. Today, he did not feel anything. He felt like his body was not his. He felt like a spectator looking in on his body. Any feelings that he usually had quickly disappeared. 

He gets out of bed and looks into the mirror. The thing is, the person in the mirror isn’t Eiji. He looks like him, he wears his hair like him, he has the same glasses as him but it isn’t him. He forgets to eat because his head— his mind is nowhere near his body. The way he sees it, he simply is; what he sees. Simply for the fact he has no idea how to connect to life, he hardly lives it. He isn’t the same person he was years ago, it hurts. He wants Ash. He can no longer feel anything. 

And for one second, all the emotions, all his feelings hit him so hard for one second. He feels everything, all the guilt, the pain, and sorrow. A sob chokes through his throat and he feels himself fall to the ground not feeling as though he could stand. His heart hurts.

He later does not remember what it felt like, he doesn’t remember how hard he felt all those intense emotions. It was for the better. Depression was something he struggled with, dissociation was rare for him. 

-

Today was a good day. He still missed Ash, of course, he always missed Ash. But it didn’t take over his life. He woke up early and didn’t feel empty or lonely, he just felt okay. And maybe he wishes he could feel better than just okay but he’ll take it. He likes the good days. 

The sun was shining through his bedroom window and looking outside he could see the snow-covered streets. Winters were usually hard for Eiji, Ash died in winter. But he already spiraled this winter and didn’t know if he would even be able to feel even worse. He gets up to get dressed and finds it easy. He’s okay, he’ll be okay. Maybe one day, he will be able to be okay every day. Not now though, but that’s okay. He has tons of time to feel better and to recover from the trauma, he’ll get over Ash someday. Today is not that day. 

Once dressed he moves onto something else. His hair. He finally decides something, it’s okay to miss Ash but he’s ready to let go. He’s ready to start trying to be okay every day. And so, he cuts his hair. At first, he didn’t know why he cut his hair but it has been years since Ash’s death. He can’t hold on forever. He grabs his winter jacket and throws it on with a scarf and is out the door before he even processes the fact he cut his hair. It isn’t as short as it had been, it only reaches down just above his shoulders but it’s better. He often struggled to brush and wash his hair every day and when the days blended together and he fell back into depression is when he struggled to take care of his hair and his hygiene the most. Maybe having shorter hair will help him. Just maybe. 

He made his way down the street not caring about the snow, he had more important things to do. It only took him about thirty-five minutes to walk there. And so now, he was standing in front of Ash’s grave and he regretted everything. He sat down next to his grave and sat in silence before speaking, “hi ash, it’s been a while since I visited… I’m doing better. I still miss you so much but, I’m okay. I’ll be okay. I used to want to be with you, I used to think about doing it. But, I know you’re watching over me, well I hope. So, Ash, I’ll see you soon.” And with that, he left Ash's grave and headed back to his house. He didn't feel better, he just wanted Ash. He still blamed himself for Ash's death, Ash would still be alive if he did not write that letter. Eiji knows that.

**Author's Note:**

> i think the ending is open??? 
> 
> you could interrupt it any way you want but i wrote it with the intent that Eiji does NOT die nor does he plan to, but once again i think you can see it any way you want?? also this is kinda a vent so it may be ooc???
> 
> comments and kudos are appreciated


End file.
